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  • Elaine Brewer

When Depression Rears Its Ugly Head

I found that with depression, one of the most important things you could realize is that you're not alone” - Dwayne (The Rock) Johnson

During the last few months, I have been battling with my depression. It has come back to rear its ugly head. This has been extremely frustrating because I am coming off of months of being on a high with job success, motivation, fulfillment, and an all-around positive mindset. I felt like I was on top of the world. But that's the thing about depression; it likes to make unannounced knocks at your front door. My depression comes in waves and takes me from the sunny warm beach right into the cold, treacherous, and unmerciful waves.

It's been exceptionally trying on me recently because “feeding the good wolf” and doing the things that keep me in my right mind have been taken or restricted from me. I need to be in the gym, out in nature, doing yoga, around friends and family. But the mask mandates, gym and studio closures, travel restrictions, social distancing, not to mention the all-around division and climate of our country, have been debilitating on my mental health and wellness. I am positive I am not alone in this.

What I can do for myself right now is to look for the positive. The positive at this moment is that I see it (the depression). I know it is happening. It has been coming and going since January with bursts of happiness and positivity and then dispersing into loneliness, shutting down, and feeling like I am failing at all aspects of life. I can say that I am doing my best to counteract the harsh voices in my head telling me that I am not worthy. I see you, Depression, I SEE YOU. But I am lucky enough that I still have the mental clarity to know that, This Too Shall Pass!

This is not a woe is me blog post. I want people to understand it and have empathy for those who have to live with this illness. I feel a great responsibility to normalize depression and mental health in my line of work with Humble Warrior. I am not just a spokesperson for mental health, I battle with it, I go through it, I understand it. I am one of you.

One of my toughest days in the past few months was waking up in full depression mode, in tears of anxiety, and having to pull myself together to do a podcast on being a high performer. Hilarious, right? But I did it and it turned out to be one of our better podcasts that we have done. I wasn't faking it. I am a high performer. I realize that I can do amazing and incredible things despite this burden that I sometimes carry.

I will say this to those in the thick of it; do the important work of reaching out to a therapist. Do the yoga. Lift the weights. Reach out to those that give you energy. Go for that walk. Listen to good music and have the compassion to be gentle with yourself during this cycle. For me, the gym didn't feel right today so instead, I decided to write this blog as a form of therapy and to feel connected. I know sometimes it is hard to know what you need or to have the energy to do what you need but it's what is going to get us through this.

I admire anyone who is battling with this and I get it... It's not all sunshine and rainbows but life isn't meant to be. The good will come back. You will feel that lust for life again. Don't let the bad outweigh the good in this beautiful thing we call life. During these particularly rough times, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through these cycles of depression is 100% so far, and that's pretty fucking badass! Thanks for reading, love you all, and keep fighting the good fight.

*The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is a United States-based suicide prevention network of over 160 crisis centers that provides 24/7 service via a toll-free hotline with the number 1-800-273-8255. It is available to anyone in suicidal crisis or emotional distress.

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